somersault

He ran, ran untill the rat he was chasing was finally only a foot away from him. A satisfactory smile was slowly appearing across his face. He stepped his right foot firmly on the ground. And there was the fat grey rat, its tail nailed by the chaser's foot, trying in vain to run away.

  [C'mon, my little friend]

  He stooped and carefully picked up the rat by the tail. It was quite heavy. He reached his pocket to take out a large, rusty nail he didn't forget to prepare. In a second, the nail was totally pierced through the rat's belly, splattering the blood all over the tormentor's hands. The rat shrieked and wriggled in agony. He picked up its tail and dangled it upside down.

  He beamed at the moonlit sight of the poor creature.

  [You like that, right?]

  Then he started to spin around the nail. The rat writhed, satisfying the tormentor with its sheer expressions of pain. He liked its four little legs twtiching madly. He couldn't have loved that more. It was far more pleasing to see a dull dog or a cat making a silly whimpering sound.

  All of a sudden, the rat's shrieking and twitching started to fade out. The only thing that came out of it was the sticky warm blood.

  He felt the rat becoming cold and still in his bloddy hands.

  Everything was nicer so far, but now he found the only defect of tormenting a rat: it dies too soon.

  Slightly disappointed, he started to dissect the wretched body with the nail. First, the four legs were cut off clean. Then he pulled out the mashed guts and threw them onto the road carelessly. He cut out the pink tail and kept it in his pocket. The rest of the body he threw over the wall of the nearest house.

  He turned around and started off along the deserted alleyway, both hands thrusted in the pokets. A couple of his fingers toyed with the rat's tail inside the poket. If anyone had walked past him then, the person would have heard him humming Donovan's 'Hurdy Gurdy Man' quite merrily. It was Kevin Cahill's most beloved leisure time activity, to torment a creature once in a while, singing the very song afterwards.

함께 침묵하는 것은 멋진 일이다. 더 멋진 일은 함께 웃는 것이다. 두 사람 이상이 함께 동일한 체험을 하고, 함께 감동하고 울고 웃으며 같은 시간을 함께 살아간다는 것은 너무도 멋진 일이다.

  때로 나도 공허함을 느낀다는 사실을 알고 있다.

  무언가 나는 어디 하나에 빠삭한 적이 없었다고 기억한다. 그게 공부의 문제든, 노하우든, 몸에 익히는 스킬이든, 그리고 요즘의 화두에서는, 인간과 인간 사이에서의 관계든. 늘상 어중간한 정도에서 그쳤고, 나는 거기에 때로는 아쉬워하면서도 때로는 나의 과잉되지 않음에 - 상황에서의 적절함에, 소위 '중용'에 - 만족했음을 기억한다.

  극단으로 달리지 않는다는 것, 어쩌면 그것을 두려워할 줄도 알고, 그것이 어찌되었든 파괴적인 것을 알며, 보다 덜 극단적인 방식으로도 같은 문제를 해결할 수 있다는 것을 안다는 것은 나의 기질이기도 했다. 하지만 요즘 내가 느끼는 건, 그 리스크를 걸고 더 많은 비용을 감수하더라도 극단적인 방식으로 헤쳐나갔을 때 무언가가 '남는다'는 사실이다.

  각인, 그것이 없는 삶을 살아왔고, 살고 있는 사람이 나다. 무던하고, 위험하지 않지만, 나의 몸에 또는 영혼에 각인되어 있는 삶의 흔적이 그리 많지 않다는 것을 확인할 때마다 혼란스러워지기도 한다. 사람들은 어떤 결과만을 보겠지만, 나의 기억에 더 크고 오랜 지분으로 남아있는 것은 어쩌면 단 한 순간의 결과가 아니라 때로는 지지부진하기도, 때로는 역동적이기도 한 어떤 지속적인, 구체적인 과정임에 분명하기 때문이다.